An Exercise in Observation

I made a decision once I returned home from Asia to heavily involve myself with the things I am interested in (on a level more specific than say watching all 12 episodes of Dexter or praising myself extravagantly for rolling out of bed before noon), and work at developing the type of relationships I want to have with people.

I recently met with an old preacher. His voice thunders like a shotgun equipped with a 21-inch subwoofer, and his beard forces the impression that this man who is being spoken to is in fact God. I learned from this experience that although many people develop their own social and theoretical sensibilities, significantly different approaches to life can actually be working towards attaining the same essential goal. It spoke of challenging institutionalism and exploring subjects that are often shied away from (conflict, sexuality, darkness). It also reinforced that beards=power.

I find far too much impoliteness, denial, and irresponsibility pervading the social spheres that I now find myself in. Denial is a relatively perpetual state that many people either seem to enjoy living in, or simply cannot find any way out of; conversations about nothing, attempts to fool others into believing that one is other than they are, lack of respect for self and becoming engrossed in a climate of fear. How did this lack of self-awareness develop? Has postmodern society developed (or perhaps regressed) to the point where self has become only a virtual entity? Meaning only develops from the comparison of the self to immediate others under a guise of individual progress? Women are only pornography?

Evaluations of established ideas (or perceivably established ideas) are essential. Consider the idea of love. I've always held the idea that unconditional love for all things does not encompass a healthy, progressive psyche, despite what many philosophies and religious ideas have expressed. Unconditional love indicates that this love continues irrelevant to what occurs over time or space (and while some forms of love can and do continue essentially forever, I would argue that it is based on conditions, but conditions that were met). Resentment, disappointment, these are not necessarily negative experiences, and loving an enemy may come after at first hating that enemy. However, without this initial hate, love could not have been achieved (I remember a friend describing that 'the greatest lovers were murderers first'). Additionally, I'm not sure that loving someone for their faults necessarily condones pity, given that love is not actually pity, but this brings up the problem with establishing definitions. As I have come to experience, there is no exhaustive definition for something as problematic as 'love', therefore my experience and interpretation of love will undoubtebly differ from many of those surrounding me. I would also posit that there are people who do have the ability to disturb (though not totally upset) one's own "totally awesome, rockin' life" (Sungwon 2007). If no one had that ability, then an individual would be disconnected from an important aspect of real human experience.

If we can empathize with other people, then we develop the ability to at least partially understand their emotional energy, and to those who are close to us, this can develop into a stronger bond that attaches their presence to our own in a powerful way. However, if the end of any kind of emotionally invested relationship frequently leads a given person into catatonic despair, then perhaps he or she should re-evaluate his or her own self-worth. Strength of character is often rooted in an ability to understand self (as self is in fact the universe), and this strength is something that human beings as a general rule are attracted to. Another friend questioned whether or not this reasoning is sound: "so if my mom dies, and I'm devastated, then it means I'm not satisfied with who I am?" My response was "no, but if that kind of thing is recurrent with any relationship, then I would suggest that self-worth is an issue". This also highlights the importance of often evaluating what has already been evaluated.

Becoming fearless in a culture of fear allows an individual to develop a love of self, which is an important stage in understanding self-awareness and also generating an ability to love others for more than superficial, or selfish reasons.

To me, the essence of self-awareness comes from how important we find exploring that which we don't yet know.